I will just say that I am no expert psychologist or anything like that, but experience is there to be learnt from and I learnt, from experience. I dated one (or even maybe two). What is a narcissist I hear you say ? (Oh, go on … say it ). Well, since you asked, and in very very simple terms, it is someone who believes that the world revolves around them.
Quite a simplified view but basically correct.
- They want all you can give until you can give no more and then you are cast aside. Often they will then come back and find you and hook you back in, they are charmers and they know it, just to feed their self worth.
- They like to be the winner. They have the last word in any argument, they have the nice house and car to suit (keeping up with the Jonses)…. they are seen to be respectful members of the community but it is all for show.
- They hold grudges. If you ever cross one then that is it.
- They like to hold power and cannot handle it being taken away
- They hate being not noticed
You probably know one, maybe you are one …. but if you end up dating one it can be very hard.
Mrs A (as I shall call her) sought me out when my marriage failed. She knew how to lure me in and also how to hurt me and then make up. The situation was untenable anyway, she was still married (or as she said – separated) with a young daughter. She said separated but she still loved with him, she was obviously not getting what she wanted. Mrs A suffered a lot with anxiety and insecurity. I was not allowed to speak to other women and she did not like me going to festivals (they are not all like Bridget Jones would have you believe!). She saw everyone as a threat until they proved otherwise (or proved useful). She had a saying: “Everybody want to either F*ck me or Fight me”. This of course was not true however she did put up barriers so people could not get close and get to know her. Maybe she had being doing it so long that she believed it in the end.
She wouldn’t leave her husband (I actually didn’t ask her to) as he earned the money and she was afraid of being poor, or rather not being able to have the nice house and car… and it seemed that he was happy to have it that way, and was also happy for me to be with her…. I told you it was untenable didn’t I ?
So in the end we had a four year on-off relationship each time ending with her pushing me away and then hooking me back (that was obviously the kick she got). In the end I saw the light and left for good. For ever. It didn’t stop her trying to win me back twice over the next 6 months but I managed to stay firm and resist. I have heard nothing from her for a while so I assume she has someone else to make her feel special and I wish him the best of luck. 🙂
You will never know when you are dating a narcissist until it is too late … but if you recognise some of the signs you may be able to deal with it better.